Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere, sponsored by Chorley FM.
GROANS
Oh...
FARTS Oh...
CREAKING
DOOR SHUTS
GUSHING PISS
D'you mind?! Some of us are tying to get a bit of kip in here!
Oh, get to fuck.
GUSHING PISS
CREAKING
SLOSHING
BIRDSONG
SPLASH
COUGHS
BELL CHIMES
MUTTERING ON POLICE RADlO
SPITS
(Paddy) Good start to the day(!)
(Max) It comes to something when you can't park up where you like.
Thatcher's Britain. That bobby had an attitude problem.
(Paddy) It didn't help you throwing urine over him.
Throwing me what?
Your piss!
Yeah, well, accidents happen.
Know what I mean?
Bloody hell!
It's the Wolfster.
You what?
In the paper, he were a mate, went to school with him. It's his 40th.
He looks a bit young.
That's when he were a kid, you melon!
That's the Wolfster. He moved down here years ago.
Friday 27th. That's tonight. I'm having a bit of that. Fancy it?
Nah.
There were some fit girls in our year.
Well,... s'pose an hour's not gonna kill us.
CHEESY SYNTH VERSlON OF "Tainted Love"
LAUGHTER
Thought you said there were some fit birds in your year?
There were.
What year were it? Never mind,
every hole's a goal.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up, let's see the birthday boy first.
Where's the Wolfster?
Once I ran from you,,,
I'm the dandy highwayman you're too scared to mention.
I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention.
The devil take your stereo and your record collection.
The way you look, you'll qualify for next year's old age pension!
Stand and deliver!
How are you?
It's the Maxster!
That's right. Yeah.
What are you doing here?!
Your big 4-O. I wouldn't miss that.
You're naughty 4O. Get it while you can.
Chance'd be a fine thing.
You only get a bucket and a half. Think on. This is a mate from home.
This is Paddy. Top of t'brow.
You all right?
Never! It's not Patrick O'Shea?
Yeah, it is. D'you know him?
Know him? Everyone knew Spazzy Paddy!
Where's your callipers and brace?
Long time ago, that.
He was worth more as scrap, that lad.
You don't remember me, do you?
Me sister baby-sat him. Right dirty sod.
One night, he stuck Okay Wan Kenobi up his arsehole!
Obi Wan Kenobi.
He was always at it. Boochakka, C3-D2.
P-O.
Star Trek mad he was. Weren't you? >
Star Wars, Wolfster.
Like I say, long time ago, Wolfie.
Wolfster!
Happy birthday.
You shouldn't have bothered.
Just a little something.
I'll have to put my readers on.
Can't see a thing without the gaffers.
Tonight, Matthew, I'm gonna be... I'd have got it enlarged if I'd known.
I'm gonna get 'em lasered next week. Big birthday treat.
Oh, my Lord!
This is going back some years!
All the gang, poolside, summer, Lloret de Mar. Remember?
Bloody hell! Is that you?
- That's me! - How tight are them trunks?
Sod off! Look at the state of your moon boots.
- Like these? - He's got 'em on. He's crackers.
Eh, Zahid!
Zahid Patel. Whatever happened to him?
He's here.
Patelster, oi!
Patelster, how are you, you old dog?
Whole crew are here. Bobster, Munster, Fosterster.
All right, lads. How are you?!
Hey! Look who it is! Hey!
Ha-ha-hey! Where did you get in touch with them all?
Wife did. Friends Reunited. Big surprise.
Can't believe this. Where did you get it?
Oh, I've had it for years.
Is this your only copy?
Yeah. It's your birthday. All the best.
I'll get another copy done at work.
Kev, you got a minute? >
Yep. Eh, look, thanks for coming.
Yeah. See you later.
Paddy?
Spazzy Paddy. You kept that quiet, didn't you?
You mate's enjoying himself.
He's like a kid in a sweet shop.
He loves it. >
So I filed for bankruptcy, lost the lot!
(Max) You married?
Twice. I got two by the first, one by the last and she weren't planned.
We dropped a bollock with young J-Lo.
So she makes me have the snip, then leaves me.
Still, I'll have the last laugh - I'm selling her knickers on eBay!
You got any bin lids?
You what?
Bin lids - kids. You got any?
Oh, no. Not me.
You know the Maxster: love 'em and leave 'em, me.
- Where are you living now? - Anywhere I like. Got a motor home.
You're joking. Really?
We were gonna get one of these before we had J-Lo.
That's the life.
It's fantastic, we live the dream. We do what we want, when we want.
We?
Me and the lad. We're easy riders.
Ooh, are you now(?)
We wake up in the countryside one day
and watch the sun set over the ocean the next.
Where are you tonight?
Car park.
Car park?!
Convenience. While you're pissing about with taxis,
me and the lad'll be tucked up in bed. Kings of the road.
Don't you mean queens?!
How dare you! Let's get a couple of things straight and I mean straight.
I don't drink out of both taps and that lad definitely does not.
'Ey up, I see t'cabaret's arrived.
Oh, my God! >
< What's up?
It's Tina. What's she doing here?
Who's Tina?
Me ex, Tina. The one I told you about.
Oh, that Tina.
Is a small world, in't it?
Well, what d'you reckon?
Needs more salt.
Not the food, you tool. Tina.
I don't know, go and talk to her.
What just...just like that?
It's been ten years.
What? Since you spoke to a woman?
FEEDBACK FROM MIC
I'd just like to say a few words.
So far, it's been a cracking night, I'd like to thank you for the gifts.
< No doubt I'll be drinking them later.
Hello, Tina.
< I'd like to thank the club...
Max!
What are you doing here?
It's t'Wolfster's birthday.
< I wanna see you all dancing later...
You all right?
I'm good.
< And finally, there's one small...
Can I get you a drink?
No, I'm all right.
Max, there's summat I've got to tell you.
Wanna go somewhere else?
I can't.
Tina, my wife, everybody. What a star!
CHEERS & APPLAUSE
Hooray, Tina!
APPLAUSE ECHOES
Don't wish it away, Don't look at it like this forever.
Between you and me,
I could honestly say,
that things can only get better.
Without me, girl.
Cry in the night if it helps.
But more than ever
I simply love you.
More than I love life itself.
And I guess that's why they call it the blues.
Time on my hands could be time spent with you.
Laughing like children, Living like lovers
Rolling like thunder.
Under the covers
And I guess that's why they call it the blues.
Time on my hands could be time spent with you.
And I guess that's why they call it the blu-u-ues.
APPLAUSE, CHEERING
I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues - and I'd know.
Havin' your heart ripped out...
Yeah, whatever. You wanna know about pain?
The First Cut Is The Deepest, lads. Key of C!
BAND PLAYS INTRO
(GRUFFLY) The first cut is the deepest.
BABY, I KNOW!
The first cut is the deepest..
So that's why you left me, is it, for 'im?
Who?
You know who - t'Wolfster. Some friend he turned out to be.
What you on about? He had nothin' to do with us splittin' up.
Bollocks. Why's he here then?
Cos it's his birthday.
How convenient!
Look, what do you want, Max?
I want answers. Why did you go off, leave me without sayin' nothin'?
Have you forgotten about the night outside the club? What you said?
You shouldn't have been listening.
Well, I heard it all you and your mates slaggin' me off.
We were only havin' a laugh. It were just a few jokes.
And I was the punchline.
Everybody has a laugh at my expense. I'd had enough.
So that's why you left?
Don't you think that's a bit of an overreaction to a few jokes?
It wasn't just a few jokes, it was far more than that.
I'll tell you what I think, right.
I think you are using that as an excuse.
There's no way you could have loved me like I loved you.
Not go off, saying nothing.
Love you? I trusted you.
Yeah, right.
I worshipped you. I even had your baby, that's how much I loved you.
You had a baby?
When?
It doesn't matter.
You had a baby... We had a baby?
Oh, Max you shouldn't have come here.
Are you tellin' me I'm a dad?
I never wanted you to find out.
Oh, I can see that.
I mean like this.
I was gonna tell you, but I was so angry with you
that the longer I left it, the harder it got.
Is he a girl or a boy?
He's a boy.
And how tall is he? I mean, how old is he?
He's ten.
He's ten?!
< Christ, they shoot up, don't they?
Are you OK?
I should be handin' out cigars. I'm a dad!
Who's gonna teach him to take care of himself?
I wanna see him.
Please, Max, you can't..
Oh, I can. And I am. I'm his dad. I've got rights.
You don't know the damage you'd cause.
It'd destroy him. Kev has no idea that you're the father.
He's brought him up as his own.
So what am I supposed to do? Just pretend he doesn't exist?
If you've any love left for me, yes.
What's his name?
Daniel.
Look, I've gotta get back.
I'm sorry, Max.
(SLURRED) Are you watching? Are you watching, missus?
This is what they did to me!
To me!
I'm half a man.
Are you listenin'?! >
What a night. The very bloody best.
Great seein' you lads again. Thanks for comin'.
And cheers for this. Look at us a bunch of shitty-arsed kids.
If we knew then what we know now.
You got any kids?
Yeah. Daniel.
Captain of the under-11s. He's a smasher.
- You coming, Kev? - Here she is. The little woman.
D'you remember Max from school?
Hiya, Max.
The taxi's waiting.
Better go.
Listen...
Give us a ring. We'll go out for a drink. The Maxster!
Say ta-ra to Spazzy Paddy for me.
Please, Max, stay away.
How many times are you gonna play that song?
Where are we, anyhow?
School.
I can see that. Why?
Oh, no! You're not still babblin' on about that, are you?
Babblin'? Babblin'?!
I've got a son.
I know, you said. You had me up half the night, tellin' me.
Are you sure he's yours?
Oh, I'm sure, don't you worry.
It's just that, you know, I just thought...you know.
Thought what?
Aren't you supposed to have sex with someone first?
The thinnest of thin ice.
Look at 'em, playin'.
He could be one of 'em right there, Now? >
I don't see any bald kids wi' beards.
- They'll be comin' out soon. - And?
I wanna see him.
Look, Max, Tina's got a point. You're better off stayin' away.
How would you like it if you had a son that you'd never seen?
I might have. You know my lifestyle.
There could be a squadron of little Paddys running round as we speak.
Have you got a plan?
I have now. Quick, get some clothes on. Hurry up!
Whoa, mate! You've got a leak at the back.
Jokin', aren't you?
No, come on.
Just round 'ere, bud.
Come on! Go!
Hey! Oi! Help me, somebody, they're nickin' me bus!
CHILDREN: Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream
Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream
Now then, children, we're gonna play a game called Who's Your Dad
And What's His Name?
DO THAT AGAIN I'll RIP YER BLEEDIN' ARMS OUT!
'Ere, I'll do it.
Yo, this is the Maxster MC.
Listen up, posse, can I get a re-ewind?
I'm gettin' down with the kids.
Do we have a Daniel Wolfson on board, aka The Wolfster?
No, he's not here.
You what?!
He catches the other bus.
You what?
There's another bus? Oh, you mofo! That's proper whack, that!
Patrick... Patrick!
'Get off the bus with your hands in the air.'
MOUTHS
I can't believe you got the wrong bus.
You said he were on it.
How was I to know there were two buses?
Did you not recognise him?
I never pissin' met the lad.
Only seen t'back of his 'ead this morning, first time.
This is it now, you know, they'll throw away the key.
No, this is just a case of mistaken identity.
Forty kids on a coach?
What did we mistake 'em for? A stag do?
Right, follow me, boys.
Given the seriousness of this crime and its calculated nature
any request for bail is denied
and the accused will be remanded in custody until the trial date's set.
Take them down.
Custody? What does he mean, custody?
Prison.
Prison?
< Pound coin holder - empty.
An Afro comb.
You never know... You never know.
One set of car keys attached to one key ring -
"I've stroked a beaver at Drayton Manor".
Have you now?
Sign here.
What do I do now?
Through there.
- Name? - Patrick O'Shea.
Empty your pockets out.
One pornographic magazine - The Finger Club.
One packet of condoms.
"Ribbed for the lady's pleasure.
"Flavour - biscuit."
Whoa, whoa! What's the crack here?
I'm just about to find that out.
Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere, sponsored by Chorley FM.